Lest you think I've forgotten about my little contest, I now give you the finalists for America's Next Top Obscure Guest Author! (For time's sake, I narrowed it down to the top-five vote-getters based on a long-running poll)
Finalist #1: Justin Lee
About Justin: Justin is a self-described "toe head" who has two great loves in his life: The BYU Cougars and the great outdoors. Often seen astride a lonely fence in the prairies of New Mexico, Justin has cultivated some strong opinions about life while gazing into the flaming New Mexican sunsets.
Fun Fact: Justin can guzzle Mt. Dew faster than any one of his BYU friends, but still gets schooled every time he challenges his mom.
Why Justin is Unique: Justin may be the only finalist qualified to speak intelligently about NASCAR.
Notable quote: "Life's a garden. Dig it."
Finalist #2: Jeris Hobbs
About Jeris: Jeris represents the Idaho Falls region of Cougar Nation. Born and bred an ISU Bengals fan, Jeris only recently discovered a passion for the LDS church and BYU athletics. Jeris is a finalist for the distinguished Brigham Award, he is now employed, and somehow found a major that doesn't require knowing how to construct complete sentences.
Fun Fact: Jeris has never seen any movie starring John Travolta.
Why Jeris is Unique: Jeris has the unique ability to instantly make people laugh while reading his writing - presumably because the reader instinctively hears Jeris' slow, slurred voice in his or her head while reading.
Notable quote: "Hhhhiiiii you've reached Jeris HAWBS... Please leave a MESS-agggge."
Finalist #3: Lesley Winn
About Lesley: Pronounced LESS-lee, Ms. Winn has distinguished herself as a tough, street-wise woman who somehow attached herself to a train-wreck of a husband. Her hard-hitting, take-no-prisoners attitude has cost her some friendships in Relief Society, but it's a small price to pay to dominate the dojo.
Fun Fact: Lesley hails from Gerkin, Oregon- home of the Beer Brat.
Why Lesley is unique: Lesley makes thought-provoking points, and knows more about the game of basketball than Kurt Rambis.
Notable quote: "There's two things I do well: Talk sports and kick [expletive]. Take your pick, Hoss."
Finalist #4: Becky Olsen
About Becky: The author has to be careful about what he says about this particular finalist for reasons that won't be discussed at this particular time. Suffice it to say, Becky is a real tomcat.
Fun Fact: Becky was once personally invited to attend a party at the famed "Hockey Stick House" near BYU campus.
Why Becky is Unique: Extensive knowledge of anthropology and indigenous Native American tribes gives Becky a unique perspective into why we compete.
Notable quote: "This ain't a bake sale!"
Finalist #5: Brett Zobell
About Brett: His friends know him as "The World's Most Lovable Buffalo," but his enemies know him only as a shadow in the night. As ruthless as he is handsome, Brett doesn't play with his food: He destroys it. Most recently, Brett has been seen listening to the new hit single "Low" by Flo Rida ft. T-Pain.
Fun Fact: Brett and the author of this post have known each other since kindergarten, and with the exception of a brief falling out in Jr. High (the Aubrey Hunter incident), they have been friends for life.
Why Brett is Unique: Parasite-induced weight loss and weekends at Newport Beach have given Brett invaluable real-world experience.
Notable quote: "Freedom isn't free"
A new poll has been created, and it's now time to choose America's Next Top Obscure Guest Author!