Monday, April 14, 2008

An Ode to the Mailman

After watching a raucous, fun-loving Karl Malone last night on Sportsbeat Sunday, I realized how much I loved and still love the Mailman.

It was an absolute pleasure watching Karl Malone play, and I harbor absolutely no ill will. Even when he whined about not being appreciated, even when he complained that it didn’t rain enough in Utah, even when he left the team to go to the hated Lakers, I never stopped loving the big guy.

Karl Malone was the best power forward in the history of the game. He totally transformed the position on both sides of the ball. He was as solid as the Straits of Gibraltar, and he had a shot smoother than China silk. His fade-away was a thing of beauty, and he absolutely perfected the hammer dunk.

The one hand behind the head jam.

The one-armed blindfold jam.

The rare-but-powerful two handed slamma jamma.

They were all gold.

And his offense was only part of the story. He defended the crap out of everyone that dared enter his personal area. While his teammates, most notably Greg Ostertag, cowered like little she-birds, The Mailman chopped down foes like David Robinson, Shaquille O’Neal, Tim Duncan, Charles Barkley and Dennis Rodman with ease.

Barkley, in fact – and this is true – used to switch positions to small forward every time his team played the Jazz so he wouldn’t have to face the Karl “The Solid Granite Wrecking Machine” Malone.

I loved Malone when he played for the Jazz, and unlike most Jazz fans I even loved him when he went to the Lakers. He needed a ring, and I understood that. I bid him good luck in his journey, and I was heartbroken when he came up short.

I still maintain, by the way, that he would have gotten that ring if the rest of his team had half the heart he did. And if he would have stayed healthy that year.

Anyway, Karl, this one’s for you. Keep living the good old life, and I’ll give you a call if I ever own an NBA team in the future. I would take you in a heartbeat, AARP membership and all.

It’s true: From his Rogaine down to his LA Gear Catapults, I love the Mailman.


Becky said...

This post had me laughing, babe!

I never was a huge fan, but he really didn't give me a reason not to be. He was great in his interview last night...and his little museum thing should be cool.

Trevor said...

The Mailman blows. Biggest crybaby flopper in the history of the league. Anybody can have a good scoring average if they whine enough to shoot 15 free throws a game. Too bad he didn't sink that one against the Bulls in the Finals. And many Utah fans whine about Jordan pushing off while they conveniently forget that Karl got the ball stolen right from under his nose. Malone is the biggest choker in NBA history.

Let me know when you've got a post about Clyde the Glide. Then I'll be interested.

"What Karl Malone have did, that Clyde Drexler have not did?"

Ross said...

He put out some LA Gears?

Evan said...

Unfortunatly Adam I am going to have to agree with Trev on this one. The Mail Man just couldn't deliver. You want to talk about a Jazz legend from that time lets see a post about the Forehead wipper Jeff Hornceck or the leading assist man of all time John "Gonzaga" Stockton who hit that leaning 3 to beat Houston.

If you guys need some more sports blogs to look at feel free to give mine a look and a comment at thanks!

Lesley said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lesley said...

Let's just say I remember being right behind the basket in the bMemorial Colliseum during the Western Conference Finals when the Blazers beat the Jazz in double overtime during the Rip City glory days...watched Malone tear-up all the way home. Looks like it's a full-time job owning the Jazz. I believe we took the series this year too...

ps. From that game I got a "Razz the Jazz" poster signed by Bill Walton and Thurl Bailey. Just a random tid bit for the readers.

Jeris and Suzanna Hobbs said...

You know I'm a fan of the mail man. I think I have just about perfected the hand behind the head layup. I am the Karl Malone of Rocky Mountain Basketball league.