Monday, November 23, 2009

Four Ute fans

I hate Utah. I hate the team and I hate the school, but the thing I hate most about Utah is its fans.

The sight of their mis-matched crimson red induces vomit, and hearing them bleat and squawk about this rivalry makes me want to beat my head against a wall.

Over the years I have been able to categorize Utah fans into four distinct groups. Let me know if you've had experience with any of these guys:

The Anti-LDS, Anti-BYU Ute

Don't tell me these fans don't exist, because my experience with this rivalry begs to differ

Lives in: Downtown Salt Lake City
Defining Characteristic: Being the first to comment on BYU-related articles online
Favorite phrase: "F*** you BYU!"
Works: in your sales department
Key physical attribute: Whispy Goatee

The ignorant student Ute

News flash: You're just like BYU students... with no guts

Lives in: Their mom's basement
Defining Characteristic: Bitterness for not being accepted into BYU
Favorite phrase: "F*** you BYU!"
Works: at The Pie... or Borders
Key physical attribute: Long, dirty hair

The White Trash Ute

Take a trip up to Rice-Eccles Stadium. You'll see what I mean

Lives in: West Valley City
Defining Characteristic: Shamelessness
Favorite Phrase: "I'm so drunk! Here, hold my hair..."
"Works": at the Welfare office
Key physical attribute: Interesting head gear made from cases of beer

The active LDS Ute

Aren't these guys just the worst?

Lives in: Draper, Sandy, Bountiful, and there are probably a few in your ward
Defining Characteristic: Always popping up on the Sunday after BYU loses to Utah
Favorite Phrase: "Sorry about those guys... not all Ute fans are like that"
Works: For a BYU fan, most likely
Key physical attribute: They look just like us... beware.

Now I understand that each of the four categories has sub-categories and subtle nuances, but I'm pretty sure I got it mostly right. What are your thoughts? Which ones did I miss?

(Cue the Anti-BYU Ute comments...)


Jeris and Suzanna Hobbs said...

You failed to mention “Band Wagon” Ute fan.
Lives in: they are everywhere…except Rice-Eccles during a mediocre year.

Defining Characteristic: They can name about 4 people on offence and 1 person on defense but they will talk all day about how awesome the Utes are.

Favorite Phrase: “Did you know you can buy Utah gear at Walmart?”

Works: in health care a.k.a. the plasma center on State St.

Key physical attribute: leaves early to go to a concert at The Venue.

J.R. said...

I think my least favorite are the active LDS Ute fans. How dare they? Where did their real testimony go wrong? Also, I've only been to one game at Rice Eccles and will never go again. Too much exposure to category 1-3 fans. Nothing quite like having coffee or beer splashed on you. Also, do the Ute fans who yell the Anti-LDS epithets know that half of their players are LDS?

Anonymous said...

Every Cougar fan seems to have an experience where Beer was thrown on them at RES, well I've been to the game there 5 or 6 times now and never seen anyone with a beer, much less seen it thrown on any Cougar fans.

As much as I hate the Utes, I have to admit that this is a little overblown. Utah has a strict no EtOH policy on campus.

Lavell Edwards said...

".....hearing them bleat and squawk about this rivalry makes me want to beat my head against a wall...."

Please do, please please do!

Why do the cougar fan mothers not let their children play in the sand box at Rice Eccles South?

It's because cosmo can't help but cover them with sand.

Eliot said...

Anonymous, I have also been to only one game at RES, and I didn't have any beer spilled on me, but the effects were evident in plenty of fans, both inside and outside the stadium.

Also, if the campus has a strict no EtOH policy, your organic chem labs must be worthless.

Gus said...

This is one funny post, probably because it rings all to true. And I must say, LDS Ute fans are just as you described them, even all the way out here in Virginia. Classic stuff.

Still laughing…

Spencer C said...

Dont forget acid-trip yewt:

and does-not-understand-what-exactly-a-ute-is yewt:

Stay classy, yewt fans.

Allen said...

The worst is this guy:

Man, he is just the WORST!

ali said...

I think you got them all Ads, but I want to add that the Anti-LDS Anti-BYU fan doesn't always have to have any affiliation with the U of U-- generally they are Utah fans purely to spite the members of the LDS church. --These are my favorites.

perhaps a sub-category of the active LDS ute are the former BYU fans that are now attending the U of U and have therefore abandoned and betrayed the rest of us.

ali said...

also, what is with the gutless Ute fans that keep commenting on your blog anonymously? The least they could do is stand by their slander with a valid first name.

John Pryor said...

"perhaps a sub-category of the active LDS ute are the former BYU fans that are now attending the U of U and have therefore abandoned and betrayed the rest of us."

You guys get betrayed a lot don't you?

It's OK,someday you too will see the error of your ways, repent, and finally start to pull for the lord's team.