Tuesday, September 20, 2011

5 potential rivals for BYU

With all of this conference realignment muck that's being raked around like a fresh pile of horse poop, I've given some thought to some pretty wild scenarios. Scenarios that would put BYU in line with some non-traditional rivalries.

And that's the beauty of being a BYU fan. No matter where we end up when the dust settles, we'll always have someone to hate and someone that hates us. Check out these not-now-but-soon-could-be rivalries:

1. BYU vs. Missouri - The Battle of Haun's Mill
The fine people of Missouri drove out the Mormons in 1838 with Governor Lilburn W. Boggs famous "Extermination Order". Well guess what? We're taking back the holy land! We would have to play this game in a neutral site, though. Preferably Independence.

2. BYU vs. Houston/Washington State - The Cougar Bowl
I think some pervs might be disappointed when they read the program description "Cougar on Cougar action" and it ends up being a football game. But this game would finally prove which is the fiercest Cougar of them all. Courtney Cox would be the special guest referee.

3. BYU vs. Wheaton College - The Shirley Temple Bowl
BYU, as we all know, is the country's most "Stone Cold Sober" school, according to the Princeton Review. But who's No. 2? That'd be Wheaton College in Wheaton, IL. The Wheaton Thunder's been living in our shadow for too long, and they're looking for some satisfaction. And if they win? Break out the virgin Rum and Coke!

4. BYU vs. Cal-Berkeley - The Prop 8 Bowl
It's hard to think of two schools as diametrically opposed as BYU and Cal. We're conservative, they're liberal. We're in the mountains, they're on the coast. We believe in a strict honor code that prevents premarital sex, their campus is, for all intents and purposes, one giant freak fest. Let's not let that rich opportunity go to waste! Let's put those hippies in their places!

5. BYU vs. Eastern Washington - The FCS Championship
Face it: Most realignment scenarios do not put the Cougars in a favorable position. So let's think outside the box here. Let's join the Big Sky conference and just lay waste to everyone who opposes us. We'll be like that big kid in fourth grade who got held back three years to be better than everyone else at sports. Actually... check that. The way we've been playing lately, we might be in over our heads in the FCS.

What do you guys think? Any other teams that should be on the list?


lesley said...

Sorry Adam, but this post just depresses me...reminds me that we'll likely be left out of super conferences and if that does happen, the thought of who our "rivals" would be is more than depressing.

I just keep wondering why does the media not question why BYU wasn't taken to the pac 12? Does everyone just know and choose to ignore? Or do they really believe the lame research school reasons...as if OSU, WSU, and most of the other schools are academically superior.

Charlie Lumarsa said...

Ha, very good stuff. I just stumbled across your blog on google, but I'll be following now.

Anonymous said...

“lame research school reasons” ???? OSU & WSU and every school in every major conference teach that the Earth is much older than the 7,000 years you get taught/preached, perhaps that coupled with your fairy tales of Native Americans having Jewish blood lines could possibly have something to do with too. It's a fact that your glorified mating academy will never be invited to sit at the table with the adults becuse for those Universities academia comes before OTA and fairy tales are not taught as fact, maybe bubble you all live in down there is starting to run out of Oxygen….

Adam said...

Anonymous, you sound like a delightful, loving and accepting person. All the best to you and yours. And I mean that.